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Conflict With Your Provider

By Michelle Ehrich, the author of The Anxious Parents' Guide to Quality Childcare (Perigee/Penguin Putnam), specializes in writing about childcare issues from a parent's perspective.

Even in the best of relationships, conflicts inevitably arise. You can disagree with your spouse, your neighbor, your boss and sometimes, your child's caregiver. Each of these situations can be stressful. However, the childcare relationship is unique and warrants some special thought on your part when you try to handle conflict. Below are some points to consider before you approach an issue:

Make sure you have properly identified the point of friction and its cause before you try to resolve anything.

Of course, if there is a particular concern at hand, such as the frequency of diaper changes or a caregiver that is chronically late, the issue may seem to be obvious. But even in these situations, I recommend that you be open to the possibility that what you think is the problem might not be the real problem. For example, in the case of a caregiver that is chronically late, you may learn that her starting time coincides with that of a shift at a nearby factory which in turn causes her to encounter unanticipated and excessively heavy traffic. This is more complicated than just not getting to you on time because she is in the habit of being late. Brainstorm with her for a creative solution, such as having her start/end fifteen minutes earlier or later.

There may also be occasions when you feel a general sense of unease between you and your caregiver. I suggest that you determine specifically what is really bothering you before you attempt to raise the matter for discussion. It is only when you understand the true source of your discomfort that you can work productively with the caregiver to resolve it.

In situations where you recognize that "something" is bothering the caregiver, but you have no idea what it is, you may want to spend a few days objectively examining the childcare situation before you jump in with a solution. Getting the caregiver's perspective may help you to understand what is bothering her. When you approach the caregiver, be diplomatic, direct and open to her feedback. Let her know you have sensed her unease and ask her to discuss it with you so that you both can work together to resolve it. You may find that it is an issue that you had never even thought of. Here's an example: once when I was using a very capable young woman as a caregiver for my boys, she inexplicably stopped speaking to me except in very brief sentences. I spent about two weeks trying to figure out if I had done something offensive and came up empty-handed. Finally, I said to her "I've noticed that you seem to be annoyed with me. I apologize if I have offended you. Can we please talk about what is bothering you so that we can resolve it?" She then told me in an angry tone that she was very upset that I didn't like her hair. (Huh???) It seems that I had gotten a coupon for a new hair salon and left it for her to use since she was new to our community. She took this as a sign that I was criticizing her hair -- which was lovely. Of course, because I didn't dislike her hair, and because this was a very minor exchange in my hectic life, there was no way I could have figured this one out. But my perceived slight (as silly as it seemed to me) was eating away at her and effectively damaging our rapport. I apologized profusely and made a mental note to NEVER even comment on her hair again -- ever!

It is critical to remember that the childcare provider is not your clone. Try to choose your "battles" wisely.

If you are entrusting the care of your child to a quality childcare provider, you must be prepared to allow her the latitude to do her job effectively. Consequently, when you do have a concern, first do a "reality check" with yourself. Make sure that the issue is not just a difference of opinion on a particular childcare topic that in the long run will not truly impact the well-being of your child. When I used family daycare, for example, I thought that the caregiver sometimes gave my 18-month-old son too many cookies. At that time, I kept NO cookies in the house (back then, I was still an idealistic and novice parent with only one child). But, when I really thought about it, I realized that if he ate two or three cookies a day, he'd survive -- just like the millions of other kids that ate them. I concluded that it was not worth risking the potential hard feelings that could be created in my relationship with this exemplary caregiver if I were to raise this "cookie" issue as a genuinely important concern. It is debilitating for any professional (including childcare professionals) to be second-guessed by their managers all the time. By avoiding the temptation to micro-manage the caregiver, you will be able to focus your concerns on the issues that are really important to you.

Take advantage of your ongoing dialogue to air "issues" before they become "problems."

In my book, I discuss the importance of maintaining ongoing and open communication with your caregiver. Mutual respect and "give-and-take" should characterize this dialogue since it plays a vital role in establishing a productive and positive rapport. One component in building this type of dialogue is to continually provide the caregiver with compliments, in addition to constructive criticism. Be conscious that you should take more time to talk about what the caregiver does right, than what she does wrong. When communication is not confined to just criticism and is done as part of a mutually beneficial dialogue, you will find that your concerns will be less likely to escalate into bigger problems because they can be dealt with in a constructive way.

Make every effort to be professionally respectful, constructive and diplomatic when addressing your concerns with the childcare provider.

Before you attempt to address a conflict with your childcare provider, rehearse in your mind what you want to say and how. How you deliver your message is almost as important as the message itself. It is critical to convey the honest sentiment that you want to work WITH your caregiver to resolve the conflict.

Let's take a hypothetical problem. Let's say you have a young toddler who is starting to throw food while at daycare and you want to discuss how to handle it with his caregiver. Here are some examples of "Message Delivery Do's and Don'ts":

Be Professionally Respectful

• Do: I understand that when Timmy throws food, it might be disruptive and set a bad example for the other children. How have you handled this situation with other children in the past?
• Don't: I don't understand why you think this is such a problem. After all, kids will be kids. I'm sure that it will pass if you don't make such a big deal out of it.

Be Constructive

• Do: I looked up this problem in my parenting books and came up with these ideas. (Explain them) I think that Dr. Schmitt is most on-target given Timmy's temperament. Could we try his suggestions for a few days both here and at home? We can check back with each other every day to gauge our progress.
• Don't: I have no idea how to fix this problem -- he NEVER does it at home. I really think it must be the center's fault. Since it only happens here, I'm sure you can figure out what to do.

Be Diplomatic

• Do: I am concerned that Timmy may have started to throw food because something else may be bothering him. For example, I have noticed that Sheila seems to take away his toys when I drop him off. Do you think that you could make sure these two are separated a bit more? Maybe then his frustration level will fall. Also, let's try to focus on what other things are happening during the day that may be upsetting Timmy. I am sure if we can figure that part out, then solving the food-throwing problem will be much easier. When would be a good time for us to talk more about this?
• Don't: The only reason that Timmy is throwing food is because the other kids pick on him and he hates what you give him for a snack. Just move his seat and change the menu then he'll stop.

Using these three elements as guidelines should help you express yourself in difficult situations. If not, you may need to take some more time to figure out another productive way to express your concerns. If the conflict is so serious that it does not seem solvable, you may want to consider a new childcare arrangement.

I encourage you to keep in mind that having a conflict with your child's caregiver does not have to signal the end of an otherwise satisfactory childcare relationship. Remember that your goal as a working parent is to establish and maintain a healthy, happy and safe childcare setting for your child while you are at work. Dealing with conflict comes with this territory. When conflicts do arise, the key is for you, the parent, to guide the conflict resolution process in a productive, professional and respectful manner. In doing so, you can help ensure that your child will still enjoy the benefits of being with a quality caregiver in a quality childcare arrangement.